Diaries of A SoundCloud Rapper (Volume I)

I found my ground going through my triggers, not by avoiding them. I dismantled them from root to end to discover they only had power because I gave it to them. As a singer I couldn’t abandon music even when it was misleading me mentally as it was one of my triggers. I dove head first into the recording process and learned about the very thing that was nurturing unhealthy patterns of thought. I learned about music by doing what was at first uncomfortable as a beginner again, watched documentaries and engrossed in discographies. I delved into literature on trauma, mental health testimonies, anything and everything I could think of to help myself so that I could help others. It seems like the same moment that I began trusting in God was when I was already steps down into the rabbit hole. I grabbed up tight and held onto his hand and trusted him to pull me out with His strength. I believe in The Universe. I got to the other side and I don’t need any confirmation of that beyond what I see in the mirror. I was made how I am made and I am beautiful. Hip-Hop taught me that. I didn’t know everything about what was happening to me while it was happening but I knew enough to hold onto certain things that I knew to have truth. Because reality was slipping.

I wear my tears proudly when they fall because the process of therapy in any form is not easy, least of all actually sitting down to sort out your issues. I make jokes that sometimes fall far into the dark humour realm but that’s part of how I cope. Being labelled can have any person feeling pigeon holed, but breaking free from that grip is essential to your spiritual freedom. 

When stagnancy hits make sure to change up. It’s important to incorporate good habits into your daily routine that honour you. I just changed up my routine in a big way because my life demanded it. Neither change is the easy or convenient path but they are true to who I am. Sometimes you have to push yourself outside of your comfort zone and trust that if you fall you can pick yourself back up again. 

I’ve been seeing a lot of memes circulating lately saying things like “remember how far you’ve come.” When I think of that, I realize that I have come really far and it’s important to have that perspective sometimes. Often we are so eager to get to where we want to be going that we forget the obstacles we have overcome to get to where we are now. Make sure to recognize when yesterday’s prayers were answered.

I remember praying to have some of the things in my life that I have now. Music is one of them. A form of freedom was another. Maya Angelou said “you may encounter many defeats but you must not be defeated.” I may remember being on the floor with no where to turn to, but I also got up and was able to move on. Hope can get you through that. Love can get you through that. Prayer can help guide and center you in the most vicious of storms.

This world is full of reasons to be angry, concerned or even irate. But at the same time, this world is also full of reasons to be joyful, at peace and content. Don’t let turbulent winds f*ck up your chi.

Find your ground.

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  1. xe

    Thank you for this, it was well needed ❤

    Like

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