It’s been 9 years to the day.

On Sunday morning of Grand Prix weekend in 2010 my ex raped me. The memories of this day are scathed in my mind and burned into my DNA. The story didn’t end that day, in fact some days I wonder when the situation will be over for good. I don’t know if you ever get over something like that, but you can move forward. The depths this man would push me to were far past the boundaries of reality. And when I lost myself it was him that I remembered.

Over time different aspects of that day pop into my mind. Maybe worse than the rape itself is the knowing smile he gave me right before. There was so much behind it… the rabbit hole, except Alice wasn’t there. Every wall I had to scale to get out of that place I make no apologies for.

Survival is about more than just the food and water we need to sustain ourselves. Your body and mind are your home and you must do everything in your power to protect them. Protect your energy from vampires like my ex. They drain you until you’re not even recognizable.

After the rape he lent me his iPod. He had 2 and I had mentioned that mine was broken. I listened to his library only hours after leaving his place with no memory of the assault. Trauma can do that. I only remembered the rape over 3 years later in October of 2013.

He and I were never officially boyfriend and girlfriend. I left for England during part of our relationship so it was agreed upon from the jump that things would only be casual. There was nothing casual about our situation.  Once I remembered the rape I confronted him about it. He begged me to talk in person and I wouldn’t. I couldn’t for many reasons at that time. Months later, when I was ready to talk, he  asked if I was going to “ghost” him after and I didn’t want to lie. In the end, he wouldn’t meet up with me to talk it over. 

Happy Anniversary Youssef. Just know that with all of the confusing things our relationship did to my mind this day is how I remember you. This day is the most important day from our relationship.

Wouldn’t you agree?